EPL Predictions 12/15-17/2020
Go fox yourself, Brendan
Wolves v. Chelsea
Ryan: 0-2. Wolves dropped a heartbreaker 1-0 to Aston Villa. “Crazy for You,” (1983) Vision Quest-Madonna vibes. Unfortunately for Wolves, this one won’t cause lovesickness but rather indigestion. “I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?” Nuno’s gaze will be 1,000 yards of despair. Not even he can overcome Chelsea’s back line, though somehow Everton did this past weekend.
Gautham: 2-2. Like the other teams with European football, Chelsea looked really gassed against the Ev. This is how Wolves have looked all season. I can see Chelsea getting out to a quick lead, only to see Wolves get desperate and actually pass the ball forward.
Rohan: 1-2
Manchester City v. West Brom
Ryan: 3-0. I demand a refund from the Manchester Darby b/c it was @#$@. For Man City, this match should be Madonna “Holiday” feels, “If we took a holiday
Took some times to celebrate …” exactly, fans can celebrate we won’t have to endure that darby again this week. City can at strike some some holiday jollies from this beat down on West Brom.
Gautham: 2-0. When I was at the University of Chicago we used to lovingly refer to it as where fun came to die. That feels like a good description of Man City these days. Technical. Devoid of emotion. Boring. Call it what you will, but City will devour West Brom in the first 20 and then see if Ederson can set the record for touches by a goalkeeper.
Rohan: 3-0
Arsenal v. Southampton
Ryan: 1-2. Somehow, someway, Arsenal managed to lose to Burnley. The Gunners skill at creating disappointment in their followers is only matched by American political parties and can only remind me of Sean Penn, At Close Range, “Live to Tell” energy: full on midwestern tragedy. “I have a tale to tell. Sometimes, it gets so hard to hide it well. I was not ready for the fall. Too blind to see the writing on the wall.” I’m going to double down on disappointment in the capital.
Gautham: 0-3. I take no pleasure in this. Week after week I’ve been telling myself that Arsenal will snap out of it. And maybe that is this week! Losing to Burnley, in the fashion that they lost to Burnley, should be bracing. But I just don’t see it, especially against a Southampton side that should be in the mix for European football. Soton is genuinely very good. Arsenal is in freefall. Another ugly loss for the Gunners.
Rohan: 2-2
Leeds v. Newcastle
Ryan: 2-1. I still dig Leeds. Dropped a close one to the Hammers but true love lasts, nay is forged even in moments of despair. This is Madonna level “Like a Prayer” type devotion replete with scandalous (for the 1990s) video. “Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name. And it feels like home.” Leeds might be away, but the squad’s dropping devotions so as to make Newcastle’s grounds their own.
Gautham: 2-0. Liverpool got a taste of Fulham’s first match at the Cottage with the fans back. Just imagine how the Leeds ultras will be for this one. Now consider that Steve Bruce will be willing to give Bielsa 98% possession, and the result will be possibly the most one-sided match since Pep’s 2018 City performances.
Rohan: 2-1
Leicester v. Everton
Ryan: 2-0. Toothy gaffer grins aside, I can’t lie, I love Leicester. “Get into the groove boy, you got to prove your love to me,” (“Into the Groove”) so Brodge, I’m proving it here by picking you, over Everton, despite the latter’s unlikely victory over the Blues.
Gautham: 2-2. Brendan and Ancelotti have a history. The short version: it didn’t go well for Brendan. The year was 2014, and Carlo brought his swaggering Real Madrid side to Anfield and then this happened in the tunnel.
Yeah. Then Carlo made a complete mockery of Brendan’s Liverpool (turned out he hadn’t “built a team like Shankly did” as the song alleged) while Brendan made about 32 tactical formation changes…I think he had Sterling at right back at some point. The point I’m trying to make is that Carlo is in Brendan’s head, and you know what happens when that is the case.
Rohan: 1-1
Fulham v. Brighton
Ryan: 2-1. Thrashed by Leicester last match day 3-0, Brighton is smarting. How bad are they hurting? Late twentieth century Madge looking toward a brighter future circa 1998’s “Ray of Light”: “looking at the world finally with your eyes open… A ray of light to me is hope.” Unfortunately, hope can’t take you all the way and Fulham managed to draw mighty Liverpool. Ain’t no light for Brighton this week.
Gautham: 2-2. Brighton ran their legs off for 90 minutes against Liverpool. Fulham did the same this past weekend. These will be some tired footballers. Brighton to rescue a late point.
Rohan: 2-0
West Ham v. Crystal Palace
Ryan: 2-1. Palace did well to secure a point from Spurs last weekend. West Ham had a good outing also with a 2-1 victory over Leeds. The winner, to bludgeon my Madonna theme this week, is to “open your heart to me,” the me being existential victory. Whichever team gloms on to 1986 era, “Open Your Heart” Madonna wins and that’s West Ham, always blowing bubbles.
Gautham: 1-1. As Moyes’ West Ham streaks toward the top of the table….you know what, forget it. This will be a horrible match.
Rohan: 2-0
Liverpool v. Tottenham
Ryan: 1-2. “You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.” Indeed, two top level sides trying to cross that metaphysical boundary to premiership champion. This is essential Madonna, just as this game is essential EPL. Gotta go with my Spurs who haven’t come close to crossing this border in decades.
Gautham: 3-1. It will be really interesting, for once, to see how Liverpool line up for this one. The big question is at CB, and the question is, do we actually have anyone to play there? And who will mark Kane? We all know what Spurs do, but the problem is that they do it so well. I’m banking on Trent starting to resemble his best self again. If so Liverpool should have enough at home. Ain’t gonna be a fun watch.
Aston Villa v. Burnley
Ryan: 2-0. Trap game for Burnley … I kid, Burnley isn’t good enough to have trap games … ever. For Aston Villa, pure “Express Yourself”: “Don't go for second best, baby. Put your love to the test.” Burnley isn’t even 10th best so yeah, express yourself Villans.
Gautham: 4-0. I feel like 90% of my friends who follow the premier league are Arsenal supporters, so I apologize in saying this: the mighty Burnley will be no match for Villa.
Rohan: 2-1
Sheffield United v. Manchester United
Ryan: 0-2. Pure “Justify My Love.” Justify why I should watch this one.
Gautham: 1-1. Chris Wilder’s gonna wish he had five subs by the end of this one but Michael Oliver is refereeing this one so Sheff U will get a penalty to balance out the customary Bruno penalty.
Rohan: 0-3